Don't let your ex do this!

It's been over a year and I can't get over my ex. Is it because I am stuck on them or is it because we are meant to be? I have tried to date others, I have tried to heal and I don't feel stronger. Why? Is my ex not my soul mate?

For everyone the journey is different. Let's look at a part of my journey.

You had love

You had chemistry but not everyone we love, though we wish it, feel it, hope it to be long lasting, is. In this case your ex is robbing you of your future the longer you stay in a self induced stall.

Getting out of a stall like this is not easy I admit. I know, I have been there, way way long ago as I'm an old lady now (smile) but the point is when I realized my ex took away a piece of me because I let him I realized I wanted to live again, I wanted to feel alive again, I wanted to feel butterflies in my stomach again, I wanted to feel scared of risk again, I wanted to thrive in life and love again. I wanted to be open to finding healthy love with a wonderful soul mate.

I felt I lost a part of me

When my relationship ended with my ex I realized in looking back that I had put myself on hold because I had convinced myself of two things: One, I needed time to heal. Two, I needed to be ready for when he came back. Four months later I was still in this frame of thought. Six months later I was still in this frame of thought. One year later I was still in this frame of thought. And though it's hard for me to admit this I thought for sure I was right, I was doing the right thing, I had to be! Because if I wasn't what kind of bleak future was ahead for me? Would I be alone for the rest of my life while he was with someone else and happy?

Well being human, I told myself that vision of my future was not true. It couldn't be because it would hurt so bad if it was true so I ignored it. And ignored it. And ignored it. And nothing changed until I was ready to change my frame of thought. I told myself "it's been a year, he didn't die in my arms spewing never ending love for me so after a year I should be healed and the only reason I wouldn't be is because I let myself believe I needed more time." For him. It was always about him. I let it be always about him.

It was a year later when I realized and accepted

he wasn't coming back, hadn't yet so I needed to let go of him, let go of the memories of him because if he was ever going to come back it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't be 'turned on' by a broken woman who had been pining for him like a lost puppy

... a broken woman... I know my ex and that is not the type of woman he would envision in his dreams much less it wasn't the woman I was when he first met me, I was strong and vivacious! But alas I wasn't that now. And without a change in my thinking I had no hope of being that woman again.

And letting him go? It was a daily thing I had to consciously think of in order to try to date. I had to wipe him out of my memory and heart. I met one 'dud' after another but I kept my dating life alive and eventually found dating wasn't so bad, not so great but I did find my confidence building little by little, I found myself feeling stronger and stronger. I thought I was doing pretty good when I met someone whom I really wanted to date, to give a real try with until he said something to me when he told me he no longer wanted to date me and ended things with me. What he said made me mad, ANGRY at my ex.

He told me I wasn't lovable because I was still hung up on someone from my past.

He told me I could be so much more attractive if my eyes didn't look haunted. He told me it

wasn't attractive at dinner or during the holidays after I had a glass of wine or two and I started talking about how much my ex had hurt me. I was crushed. I didn't feel pretty

and I didn't feel strong and it was because I was still trying to hold onto some piece, no matter how small, of my ex! It was then I realized letting go of my ex was so much harder than I thought because I thought that just by dating, not thinking of him everyday would make him go away and I would get over him. I cringed inside knowing that what this man spoke to me was the truth and I decided I would meditate every day and see myself letting my ex go, telling him I wanted him out of my life, my head, my heart.

I decided my ex wasn't going to rob me of one more day of life and I moved on and with my daily meditations I got strong and free. Hooray!

 

And I am forever thankful I did because I met the man of my dreams, my soul mate, my best friend when I was 39 and we've been married 22 years, this year (2024) and still counting!

It's hard to let go and move on yes

but the only way out of a self induced stall is for the self to do the work to make it happen. It's painful and difficult to be sure but better than sitting in a stall for months and years allowing an ex to rob you of what you can have and deserve... a loving and happy future with someone else.

Don't let your ex live in your head and heart without question. When I look back now I know every man in my past that I loved was free will love. Not soul mate love. The reason I know this is because I needed love. Yes I wanted it, more than that I needed it. So because of that need I was going to make it soul mate love somehow. Which can't be done. And we are humans so the chances are high when we are in that state of need that we will get attached to someone the longer we laugh with them, have sex with them, share dinner and holidays with them which is why we end up loving them. Because we need it. All love is not soul mate love it's why not all love lasts. True, free will love can last but it's not as common as free will needy love or I will settle for anything love or I will just make it work love.

Sometimes we have to move on to be able to cross paths with the one that will last. And the one that will last will be the one we don't need. The love will happen all on it's own as we don't need for it to do so.

Even though my ex wasn't there trying to be in my head everyday I let him be which made me feel like he was doing it somehow when he wasn't. And now when I look at the man I love today, what I felt the very first second, I mean the instant our eyes had contact, I knew that had never happened with anyone before.

Before I had experienced the thrill from head to toe when locking eyes. In looking back I can now see it was because I needed it to be love. And of course when there is chemistry, when you like what you see, then that sexual feeling can take over too.

With my soul mate it was different because when our eyes first met it was instant yes, more powerful in a second of my life than I had ever felt and it was an equally head to toe shock to my system with the immediate thought of "oh, I'm in trouble, this is impossible and I don't know why." It was an exciting scary feeling, mixed with an unknown dread. I can't ever explain it better than that. And well now twenty two years later I can share that I still feel head to toe feelings when I look at my soul mate, it is just that now I feel excitement and happiness.

It took a road of pain and blurred vision to get here though.

So don't let your ex live in your head!